Setting Boundaries in Relationships That Last

Healthy relationships—whether romantic, family, or friendships—are built on mutual respect, communication, and trust. One of the most important yet often overlooked ingredients is setting clear and compassionate boundaries. Boundaries are not walls meant to push people away; rather, they’re guidelines that help protect your well-being, define your values, and create space for more authentic connection and communication. When boundaries are respected, relationships can thrive in a way that feels balanced and sustainable.

Choosing Your Boundaries

The first step to setting boundaries is identifying what matters most to you. This may involve asking yourself questions like: What behaviors leave me feeling drained? What values do I need to honor in order to feel safe and respected? Boundaries can be physical (personal space), emotional (how you’re spoken to), or time-based (protecting rest and downtime). Choosing your boundaries means tuning in to your needs and recognizing that they are just as valid as anyone else’s.

Part of identifying your boundaries is understanding that something that may be really important to someone else may not be a boundary of yours. Taking the time to mindfully figure out what your boundaries are sets you up for more long-term success. Additionally, it’s helpful to recognize that not every preference needs to become a firm boundary. Some things may be negotiable or flexible, while others are non-negotiable and essential to your well-being. Taking time to sort out which boundaries truly matter to you—and which are less central—can prevent unnecessary conflict and make it easier for others to understand and respect your needs.

DEARMAN

A helpful tool from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is the DEARMAN skill, which provides a framework for assertive communication:

·   Describe the situation clearly and without judgment.

·   Express how you feel using “I” statements.

·   Assert your needs directly.

·   Reinforce why respecting the boundary benefits both people.

·   Mindful: Stay focused on your point, avoid being sidetracked.

·   Appear confident: Your tone and body language matter.

·   Negotiate: Be willing to find a compromise where appropriate.

Using DEARMAN makes boundary-setting less about conflict and more about clarity, helping you communicate your needs respectfully and effectively. Next time you are having a difficult conversation around boundaries try using the DEARMAN skills to improve your interpersonal effectiveness and communication skills.

Boundaries Over Time

Even with clear communication, boundaries may sometimes be crossed—by accident or in moments of stress. People will sometimes forget, misunderstand, or unintentionally cross a line, especially as they adjust to new expectations. Likewise, you may find yourself wavering on your own boundaries or realizing that one you set doesn’t quite fit anymore. What matters most is how each person responds when a boundary is crossed. Offering understanding, calmly reasserting the boundary, and making space for repair after hurt has occurred allows the relationship to keep growing rather than shutting down. Boundaries work best when they are flexible enough to evolve with time and experience, yet steady enough to protect what truly matters. In this way, setting boundaries becomes an ongoing practice—a dialogue rather than a one-time conversation—where both people learn, adapt, and strengthen their connection.

Conclusion

Boundaries are a powerful act of self-respect and care, and when practiced consistently, they make relationships stronger, safer, and more fulfilling. By choosing your boundaries thoughtfully, communicating them clearly with tools like DEARMAN, and allowing room for imperfection, you create space for relationships that last—relationships built on trust, respect, and authenticity. If you or your partner struggle with boundaries finding a couples or individual therapist is a helpful next step.

Citations

1. DBT.tools. (n.d.). DEAR MAN skill. DBT.tools. Retrieved August 25, 2025, from https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/dear-man.php

2. Fearless Living. (n.d.). Why personal boundaries are important and how to develop them. Fearless Living. https://fearlessliving.org/why-personal-boundaries-are-important-and-how-to-develop-them/

3. Mackenzie, D. (2021, October 13). Can boundaries be both fluid AND firm? Medium. Retrieved August 25, 2025, from https://medium.com/@davinamackenzie/can-boundaries-be-both-fluid-and-firm-fbeca303ce75