Setting Boundaries with Family During Holiday Gatherings

The holiday season often brings a mix of joy, nostalgia, and stress. While gatherings can offer opportunities for connection, they can also stir up old family dynamics, expectations, or unresolved tensions. Whether it’s pressure to attend every event, discomfort around certain topics, or feeling emotionally drained afterward, setting boundaries can help you protect your peace and stay grounded. Healthy boundaries don’t mean shutting people out—they mean deciding how to engage in ways that honor both your relationships and your well-being.

Thinking About Boundaries Ahead of Time

The best time to set boundaries is before you need them. Coping ahead, as it’s called in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), means anticipating stressful situations and planning how you’ll handle them. Before holiday gatherings, take time to reflect on what has been challenging in the past. Are there certain people or topics that tend to upset you? Do you overcommit to activities and end up exhausted? Knowing your limits in advance gives you space to make thoughtful choices rather than reacting in the moment.

Write down or talk to someone about what you need to feel comfortable—whether that’s limiting how long you stay, setting topics you won’t engage in, or deciding to leave early if things become overwhelming. It can help to have phrases ready, such as: “I’d rather not talk about that,” “I’m going to take a quick break,” or “I have another commitment after this.” These statements are polite yet firm, allowing you to stay true to your values while minimizing conflict. Remember: boundaries are not walls; they are guidelines that help you interact from a place of calm and respect.

Finding Support

Even with preparation, navigating family gatherings can feel emotionally intense. Seeking support can make a huge difference. Sometimes, this support comes from within the family—perhaps a sibling, cousin, or partner who understands your situation and can step in when things get uncomfortable. Having someone “in your corner” can help you feel grounded and remind you that you’re not alone.

At other times, outside support is more effective. Talking with a therapist, trusted friend, or support group before and after family events can help you process emotions and reinforce your boundaries. External perspectives can provide validation and new coping strategies, especially if you’re dealing with complex family histories.

FAST Skill

The FAST skill is a core interpersonal effectiveness tool from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that helps people maintain self-respect while communicating with others. The acronym stands for Fair, Apologies (no unnecessary ones), Stick to values, and Truthful. Being fair means showing respect to both yourself and the other person—avoiding blame or harsh judgment. The A reminds you not to over-apologize for things that aren’t your fault, since doing so can undermine confidence and make it harder to express your needs. Sticking to your values means staying true to what’s important to you, even if it’s uncomfortable or others disagree. Finally, being truthful involves avoiding exaggeration, lies, or manipulation—because honesty builds trust and integrity in relationships. Using the FAST skill helps you communicate assertively and strengthen relationships based on mutual respect rather than guilt or avoidance.

Conclusion

Setting boundaries with family during the holidays is an act of self-respect, not selfishness. It allows you to show up authentically and engage in ways that align with your emotional needs. By thinking ahead, seeking support, and intentionally creating positive experiences, you can navigate family gatherings with greater resilience and balance.

If you find that setting or keeping boundaries feels especially difficult, or if family interactions leave you feeling anxious or depleted, consider reaching out for professional help. Therapy can offer tools for effective communication, emotional regulation, and self-compassion. The holidays can be meaningful without being overwhelming—and with support, you can create a season that feels both peaceful and empowering.

Citations

1. HuffPost. (2022, November 23). 7 boundaries adult children should consider setting with their parents. HuffPost. Retrieved October 28, 2025, from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/setting-boundaries-parents-adult-children_l_63754e62e4b08013a8b295e4

2. Optimum Performance Institute. (2014, March 4). Use Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) FAST skills to balance keeping relationships with keeping respect for yourself. Retrieved October 28, 2025, from https://www.optimumperformanceinstitute.com/dbt-treatment/dbt-fast-skills-explained/

3. Vaccaro, A. G. (2024, September 23). Mixed emotions – neuroscience is exploring how your brain lets you experience two opposite feelings at once. USC Dornsife. Retrieved October 28, 2025, from https://dornsife.usc.edu/news/stories/mixed-emotions-how-your-brain-lets-you-experience-two-opposite-feelings-at-once/